Jokes

Blank Tape

Last Night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Ham Bush

Two Starving Men are wandering in the desert when in the distance they see a tree, apparently covered in bacon strips. One of the men dashes towards it, but is shot.

As he expires he gasps to his companion, “Don’t come any closer. It’s not a bacon tree. It’s a ham bush”

Cicumcision

A woman came into my office to schedule a circumcision for her husband.  After the procedure, she questioned, “Are you sure he won’t have no babies now?”

“Mrs. X., he had a circumcision, not a vasectomy.”

“Damn! That’s the word I was looking for.” (From Weekly Medical Bloopers – March 9)

Overheard Policeman

“A cops dream, a shoot out in a donut shop” as the cop picked up a donut during the murder investigation.  From the TV show Mike Hammer.

Therapy

After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said No hablo ingles. – Ronnie Shakes

Vegetarian

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.   — A. Whitney Brown

Quotes

Henri de Mondeville, Professor of Surgery in the 1300s

“Let the surgeon take care to regulate the whole regimen of the patient’s life for joy and happiness, allowing his relatives and special friends to cheer him, and by having someone tell him jokes.”  – Quoted by Patty Wooten in Humor: an Antidote for Stress.

King Solomon

A cheerful hear is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. – Proverbs 17:22.

A man’s spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? – Proverbs 18:14.

Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD

“In summary, humor can be both healthful and harmful when offered to those in crisis situations. As humor distributors, we must be sensitive to the potential benefit and harm of our humor. We must also be prepared to repair any emotional damage that may result from our attempts to relieve another’s pain through the use of humor.”  – From his article: Using Humor in Crisis Situations